I don’t even know where to start with this one. I guess I’ll just jump in and blow through it all.
I’ve not been experiencing good days as of late. My physical health went nose down recently, and as always it takes a long time before I’m back to any semblance of normalcy. But more than my physical well-being has been taking hits lately, mentally and emotionally I am totally not where I should be. Body, mind, and soul I am not doing well. And because of that I have had to revert back in upon myself and focus on getting through my days. I haven’t written anything meaningful in a while because I am simply trying to get by to the next day and the next day. Physical pain is hard to deal with, though I’ve managed it for most of my life. Physical pain with no small amount of psychological issues coupled with emotional exhaustion is certainly not something I can manage.
So it was with embarrassment and shame that I withdrew from my interning position at Gameskinny.com. I fell behind one week with an interview, the next week got sick in Georgia and got no writing done, and since I’ve spent the past week in an unwanted coma as I rest, I’ve fallen really really behind. The editors there have never been all that welcoming or friendly and it was actually more stressful to write stuff for them than I thought, so I’m trying to turn this into a positive. I’m still posting things at gamerselixir.com, but I have drastically cut back. It is with further embarrassment and shame that I announce I stopped nowhere near 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo. My final count was somewhere in the low 20,000. For those of you keeping track since the beginning, yes I did say that it would be “easy” to crank out 50,000 words. I was sorely mistaken. Though, this being my first year participating, I now know what to expect next year.
Yet even taking a step back from most things that were eating up my time and causing stress, I still am having a very hard time getting back to “normal Victor”. I have, however, identified two courses of action that, since I’ve implemented them, seem to help a little.
- Escapism. Throughout my life whenever physical pain became to much to deal with, or depression found a way to show up every single day, I would escape the bleakness of this reality for another. Mainly I played very story heavy video games or watched anime, but whatever I chose to jump into was my escape from this world and the horrible issues I deal with. Doesn’t completely eliminate the issues, but helps me deal with them. I’ve managed to jump into a wonderful Sci-Fi novel that’s helped me tune out the pain on all levels and is really teaching me a lot about the craft. But more than escaping into someone else’s world, I want to escape into a world of my own creation. Which bring us to course two…
- Writing. I may have mentioned this a while ago, but I forgot about it myself so I’ll say it again. When I’m writing, the world makes sense. Life makes sense. Everything just clicks into place and I find that my days are normal. It’s hard to explain, but it’s basically as if my life is at peace when I write. Like, writing is what I was made for so when I do I’m happy and everything works out. When I don’t, there are serious issues that occur. When I’m not writing, I feel conflicted and I second guess things and belittle myself and look for short-cuts and find other things to occupy my time. But when I write I don’t stress, I don’t worry, I sleep well, I laugh, and all my actions… just make sense.
With those two courses of action before me, I’m sure you can guess what I’ll be doing for the remainder of 2015? WRITING MY BUTT OFF. Who cares about this world or the news or friends or being social? I am going to check out of this crappy reality for 5-7 hours each day and create my own, with people I’d want to spend time with and problems I can see a solution to. Now if only my body heals enough for me to do so…